I wish.

I wish I could be phenomenal at something, just so I could prove everyone wrong. But that's pretty much impossible.
I am, and always will be, just a regular girl, with regular hopes and dreams, and a regular life.
I am not brilliant. I am not talented. I am not beautiful.
I'm just average.
And I am so scared that that is what I will always be.

another night.

All alone again, because no one can hang out, because everybody has plans, because I have no friends. That's really sad, but what's worse is that I'm already use to it.
I just want a friend that will be there for me if I call last minute, that I can talk about anything with, and not have to worry that I might tell someone else. Is that really too much to ask for?
I just want a friend that I can talk about anything and everything with, and not have to worry that they might tell someone else.
Is that really too much to ask for?

drowning.

Yes, that's what it feels like. Drowning. Or, perhaps, maybe falling. Being pulled this way and that with no control.
I'm so unhappy with everything. Depressed, maybe. And no one listens. No one cares. I sometimes wonder if the world would be a better place without me.
Would you care if I left? Would it even matter to you?
I have nothing. I have no one. I am no one. No one important, that is. No one that's ever done anything to help or change someone, which is what I aspire to be.
Last year was the best.
This year is the worst.
Borderline suicidal? That's right.
I have no idea what I want, or who I am, or who I'm going to be.
I'm so confused. Everybody is telling me what to do, and, meanwhile, I just want it to all stop. Silence doesn't even exist anymore.
I just know that I want this all to stop. The suffering, the sadness, the pain. Gone.
But it won't stop. It won't ever stop. And that's what I'm afraid of.
Death no longer scares me. I fear life.
I fear not being able to live my life to the fullest.
I fear that I will never be where I want to be.
I fear that I won't ever be happy.
I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm scared. And I don't like that.
I want to be happy, I really do. I try, but it doesn't work.
Sometimes, I wonder if stopping would fix it all.

lately

I've been really depressed lately. I just feel like either I'm too good for the people around me, or, in a few cases, I'm not good enough. I just don't know what's right and what's wrong. I can't afford to associate with the people who I believe are worth my time - literally - and my trying to is killing me.

I just want some answers. I want to know if what I'm doing is right, wrong, or if it even matters! I just hate the majority of the people around me.

Some of them I thought were pretty cool at first, but then I realized how BORING they were. How gross they were. And just how they just weren't good enough.

Then I began to notice how the "cool" people were, well, cool. But I still don't see how they're cool to the extent that they are.

I mean, I just don't understand people. I don't understand myself. I want everything to be clear for one moment, just so I can try to find my way.

I've been so down lately I can't even remember what being up feels like. I'm just annoyed with EVERYONE around me. I'm sick and tired of everything.

I want to stop thinking these thoughts.
I want to stop feeling these feelings.
I want to stop hearing these voices.
I just want something I can believe in. I want something that I know is right in every possible way.
Underneath it all, I just want to be hopelessly, endlessly, forever happy.

~Lucy

Dru.

Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.
Drusilla: I can see them. But I've named them all the same thing, and there's terrible confusion.


She was always my favorite part of Buffy. Honestly, I watched it just to see Dru. Even if she was there for only...like two seasons?